I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
