Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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