Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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