Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
