shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
