I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
home. puking in laundry basket.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
