I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
