he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
