Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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