i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
