We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
