Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
