70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
