Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
