i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
it's great music for shaving your balls
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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