It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We need a shit load of segways right now
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
