I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
