Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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