her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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