I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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