it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
