There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
