when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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