His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
