It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
