I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
