I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
