we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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