Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
