she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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