Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
