dude i'm inner monologue high
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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