Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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