I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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