The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
