he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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