I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
