Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
