The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
