I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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