ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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