If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
