please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
