I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
