If that was your dad, he is hot
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize