Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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