it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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