I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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