i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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