it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
