I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
