Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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